Relationship Difficulties after Trauma

relationship difficulties after traumaMany of us are desperately searching for our perfect partner, the person of our dreams … someone who will make us happy, and fulfill all our needs.

This can especially be the case if we have experienced trauma in the past.

However that way leads only to disappointment and puts a huge amount of pressure on our relationships. Unless we are happy and harmonious within ourselves, our relationships with othersare likely to only suffer and disappoint. Unless we have worked on ourselves, and feel empowered, unfortunately we will end up seeing the same old stubborn patterns emerging, thoughts and feelings tenaciously repeating themselves with our partners.

When you expect your partner to change to suit your needs and insecurities, it’s easy to drop into the blame game and revert to past unhealthy behaviours. It is only as you face your own demons and beliefs about yourself, that your relationships with others will also improve. Either your partner changes, or you move on to a new improved relationship that suits the new improved you.

The bad news is that you’ll never find the perfect relationship external to you – unless and until you have cleared out that nasty old baggage and are satisfied and safe with your own internal relationship.

Before we can love another, we need to learn to love ourselves – a capacity which can be negatively impacted by previous relationship trauma, whether in childhood or with a former partner.

It is more important to be the right person than to find the right person, to be in harmony with yourself, before you try to harmonise with anyone else.

The great news is that when the quality of your relationship with others improves, it’s an indication that you have made the decision to do the necessary work and have found improved harmony and strength within yourself. The bottom line is, that as you grow and have an improved sense of wellbeing, all relationships external to yourself will mirror that healing and strength.

Quite often we need to acknowledge and address the programming, baggage, patterns and beliefs from childhood or previous years that are haunting us, holding us back, and keeping us in a dungeon of negativity. When you are ready to emerge, it is possible to substitute those outworn, often disastrous patterns with more appropriate values and beliefs that benefit your own wellbeing. When you can stop being controlled by past issues and often unconscious patterns of behaving, you are free to move forward, to feel more harmonious within yourself. It is empowering to know that we all really do have the ability to change our relationships with others, simply by changing ourselves. Peace and joy on the outside only come from the same qualities within.

Learning from Past Relationships

One thing we can do is to learn from our past relationships and experiences – the good, the bad and the ugly. Don’t think of them as mistakes; think of them as experiences that will bring you to what you truly desire and deserve. Avoid spending too much time feeling victimised and angry over what has happened in your past. Instead:

  • choose to focus on gaining respect and caring for yourself in the present, without wasting energy on discouragement from focusing on everything that has gone wrong in your life;
  • choose to focus on what you do want, rather than what you don’t want in a relationship;
  • choose to leave that nasty old dungeon, the place where you feel sorry for yourself, the past where reliving the disasters just won’t fix or make you feel happy … ever!

So many people attract relationships with people they don’t want, because the majority of their thoughts are riveted on the things they don’t want. How many times have you heard that a young woman leaves home because of her violent and drunken father? She feels shattered, victimised and unworthy, but falls right into the arms of the man of her dreams, only to find he drinks heavily and is also resorting to violence! Different situation, different place, same patterns!

People cannot and will not treat you any better than you treat yourself. If you don’t treat yourself well, others won’t treat you well either. You have to grow and feel worthy to receive greater amounts of love and respect.

So what can you do for yourself today? I hope you’re ready to work on yourself, to commit to clearing your past patterns and outworn beliefs. You don’t have to do it alone. Come see me.

Dr Jan PhilamonAuthor: Dr Jan Philamon, PhD, BA (Hons) Psychology, C Teach, JP (Qual) Qld, MAPS.

Dr Jan enjoys working with people from all walks of life and helping them to be the best they can be and find success: improved wellbeing, gaining a sense of empowerment that allows the individual to actively problem solve and manage obstacles constructively, as well as positively plan and achieve their personal and career goals.

To make an appointment with psychologist and hypnotherapist Dr Jan Philamon, try online booking – Loganholme or call M1 Psychology (Loganholme) on (07) 3067 9129.